My Lesbian Wife Is Strapped Airtight: At The Beach

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I’m determined to do something showstopping, but our offerings are comically limited. No Sheryl Crow, no Michelle Branch. Not even “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” What I didn’t expect was everything else that would happen to me — and is still happening to me — thanks to this one little week in my otherwise pleasantly uneventful life. Later, when telling friends what had happened, I did laugh about it — one told me it sounded like something pulled straight out of The L Word, which, true — but I was also a little mad at that girl, and even more so at myself for being so sloppy. The consent element there was indeterminate; I had willingly gone along with the hookup, at least for a little while, though I remain uncertain about how much I really could have consented while drunk-peeing in a bathroom the size of a broom closet. I took care of boys — like my partner, like the person I’d dated before them, even like my cis college boyfriend — because I loved them, and that’s what you do for the people you love. I think there was also a part of me that liked tempering my fastidious long-term planning, my conventionalism, my seriousness with their wild spirits, their rejection of every social expectation. Queer bois, with their embrace of pleasure above most all else, in their refusal to adhere to the rules of heteropatriarchal capitalism — why grow up if it means becoming a cog in the machine? — seemed to embody a radical queer ethos I admired, and maybe felt the slightest bit jealous of. We both like Justin Bieber, Phoebe Waller-Bridge, babies, spicy foods, and romantic comedies, as well as traveling, swimming, dressing up, having sex, being tall, biking (“cycling,” she’d say), and making detailed plans well ahead of time. We also appear, at this admittedly early stage, to be each other’s scarily perfect sexual complement; lesbian sex can look like a million and one different things, and we like so many of the same ones that it is, honestly, a miracle we ever got out of bed and did anything normal, like eat dinner or generally interact with other people. (Turns out, there was nothing wrong with me during my sad stretch of a dry spell after all — I just hadn’t been having the sex I actually wanted to have.)

Throughout the trip, Matie and Jamie would have a number of tearful conversations about trans inclusion with some older passengers who refused to accept trans women as their fellow sisters. But they also got many women to reconsider their more middle-of-the-road views on trans inclusion. “Those are the people who matter,” Jamie would later tell me, recalling her latest conversions over coffee in the cafeteria. I would move into a house with some friends in Brooklyn, where a room had just magically opened up. There’d be a dog, and a yard. It would feel like a sign. (I’d start getting really into signs.) Not that we completely approve, but there might be a time that you fancy somewhere…cold. Honestly, I got shivers just thinking about it. But if you do want a switch-up from your regular sunny getaway, Iceland should be your go-to. Cool temperatures and cool vibes go hand in hand here, plus it scores a brilliant 90 out of 100 on the Equaldex scale. With glaciers, natural spas, waterfalls, whales and the possibility of seeing the northern lights, a couple’s holiday to Iceland is an adventure, to say the least! Greece I settle for some Kelly Clarkson, and after my screechy but enthusiastic rendition of “Since U Been Gone,” five (!) different women approach me, complimenting my performance. One of them tells me her friend thinks I’m really cute, and could she buy me a drink? This lively and diverse port city on South Africa's east coast has plenty of oceanfront hotels and is just an hour or two by plane from Johannesburg and Cape Town. Durban is fringed by a stretch of breathtaking beaches known as the Golden Mile, with lively North Beach just a few minutes' drive from the gay cafes and bars of the colorful Morningside neighborhood.I would write in my journal, the night before leaving: “There’s something so deliriously pleasurable in the idea of trusting myself enough to know exactly what I want.” After my partner came out as nonbinary a couple years ago, I felt even more confused and guilty about my conflicting desires to both lean into my own womanhood and flee from it. I knew my partner’s identity was its own independent, beautiful thing, something that was entirely their own. But I still wondered — as people around me whom I loved began to move away from the genders they’d been assigned — what I should be doing, if anything, about mine. Although Spain is where several of Europe's most iconic gay beach destinations (we're looking at you, Sitges and Ibiza) are located, neighboring Portugal is rapidly gaining ground in popularity, with the hilly and historic capital, Lisbon, leading the charge.

I just don’t understand some of these women,” she said, looking around the room at the joyful group of dancing lesbians. “Why do they insist on making themselves so ugly? I’ve never gotten the whole butch thing.” Home to Australia's most famous LGBTQ hotel, the Turtle Cove Beach Resort, as well as the gay-owned Pink Flamingo Resort and a bevy of vacation rentals, the former gold-mining hub of Port Douglas is one of the Southern Hemisphere's premier gay beach retreats. It's just a 45-minute drive from the small city of Cairns (which is a three-hour flight from Sydney) at the northern tip of Queensland. Gran Canaria alone is famous for its iconic Pride celebrations, Drag Queen Gala and thriving LGBTQ+ scene, but the Canary Islands as a whole are a favourite for LGBTQ+ holidays. First off, the Canaries are stunning, if you’ve not been yet…why not?! They have everything from sandy beaches to mountainous landscapes, incredible nightlife to quaint little towns – they really are the islands for everyone! Across the islands, there’s a wonderful range of LGBTQ+ exclusive, friendly and adult-only hotels, but you’ll also find that inclusivity is widespread wherever you stay. Naturism is still really popular in Greece and most of Europe, so beaches like this are common. Only a few beaches are designated "nude" beaches, but topless is legal everywhere. That's why there were a few topless women on the neighboring Big Banana Beach, and the nearby Koukounaries Beach. Lynette and I had only just met, but in the emotionally intense bizarro world of the cruise, where relationships of all types seemed to develop at warp speed and I was feeling enough emotion for 10 lesbians combined, I liked Lynette very, very much. A lot of it was, obviously, physical, chemical. But there were other things, too, that were harder to explain to other people or to myself.

Anywhere we go, including New York, our home, if we’re not obviously engaged in some type of PDA, my identity, as a femme lesbian, is often erased. When I’m out of my comfort zone, I’m not hiding—but I’m hyper-aware of my safety and surroundings: A taxi driver when I’m traveling solo doesn’t need to know my sexuality or relationship status; strangers at a couple’s resort, where we’re staying to unwind, relax, and hopefully, let our guard down, had to be clued in, and, as the hospitality industry is seemingly learning to do, be accepting, make us feel welcome, regardless of who we are. Marseille's gritty reputation, which was solidified by its starring role in the Oscar-winning 1971 crime thriller "The French Connection," has softened a bit over the years. In 2013, this diverse city featuring a lively queer scene hosted EuroPride. Bohemians, yoga enthusiasts, surfers and free spirits have been vacationing here and in neighboring Mazunte for years, and although it's far less touristy and pricey than Puerto Vallarta or Tulum, this former fishing village offers a growing number of stylish boutique hotels such as El Alquimista and Hotel Noga. Feeling adventurous? The Azores are a stunning archipelago that offers charming towns, volcanic landscapes, thermal pools and can even be a destination for some whale watching!

I was less confident. But perhaps it wasn’t that I didn’t trust my partner; it was that I didn’t trust myself. For so long, I’d put off the possibility of us opening up our relationship because — try as I might to be cool and aloof and whatever about casual hookups — I typically like sex best when the person matters to me. I would feel horrible, hurting a person I cared for, even though I was certain they wouldn’t be able to care for me in the years ahead in the way I needed them to — someone who I suspected, ultimately, wanted different things. How do you justify leaving a perfectly nice relationship, taking a blind chance that there might be something better for you out there — even if you’re right? Looking for refreshments? From Beach 19, you can walk just 10 to 15 minutes south to the breezy beach bars of Fonte da Telha.

Portugal

The first time I thought that Olivia might actually stand a chance at survival was Sunday, the first full day of the cruise, when I attended the welcome mixer for “Generation O,” which is how Olivia refers to its precious few millennial and Generation X clientele. As I walked around the ship, which holds over 2,000 passengers, it was already clear that the average woman here was a couple decades older than me. But it turned out that there were a few other twenty- and thirtysomethings who’d managed to find their way to Olivia. Eventually, once we’d reboarded the boat after our snorkeling, I did start talking with a few of the women I met at the Gen O mixer earlier that week, and it only took a couple of drinks for us to become the best of friends. It’s all of the little things about a holiday that make it just…perfect. Finding your new favourite drink at the beach bar, making friends with another set of parents by the pool, evenings with your mates that you’ll be laughing about forever. But there’s so much more to a holiday than the memories. We hop on a plane to head somewhere hot, where we can feel relaxed, happy and safe. And a holiday isn’t a holiday without these things. I actively choose to identify as a lesbian and a dyke, as well as a queer. I have found love and community unlike anything else I’ve ever known in what still exists of lesbian culture, despite all external (and, TERF-wise, internal) attempts to exterminate it: the art, the literature, the physical spaces. Plus, most importantly (and most obviously), the word “lesbian” quite literally describes what I am: a woman who loves women in both a feminist way and a super-gay way.

The night before I left on the cruise, two of my best friends got married. Watching one of my friend’s dads talking at the wedding dinner about how much he loved his daughter and her new wife, I teared up a little and said something to my partner about it: “This is actually pretty nice, huh?” But they wrinkled their nose at me. They’re not a fan of weddings — the pomp and circumstance, the big, grand displays of public affection. Jamie mentioned that she’d previously passed on an Olivia cruise when she saw that a speaker booked for the trip was Lisa Vogel. Vogel, the creator and producer of the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival, shut down the lesbian feminist women’s gathering in 2015 — closing its doors entirely, after 40 years as a safe haven of living lesbian history, rather than allowing out trans women to attend. For a lot of millennial queer women, myself included, MichFest is the perfect example of something beautiful and sacred we would have loved to take part in — something we’d be forever thankful for — if only, if only, they hadn’t seen trans women as the enemy. This dynamic metropolis at the confluence of the Tagus River and the Atlantic Ocean is just a half-hour drive from Beach 19, the country's most beloved LGBTQ sunbathing locale. This beautiful clothing-optional beach is set against gentle dunes and occupies an undeveloped span of the Costa da Caparica, which is blessed with sunny and generally dry (at least, from March through September) weather. This is my next Second Life photo from the -Lost Lagoon-, Sea Starr Sim. Here we hatching this island with bird's-eye :)) This is a big enough mountain island with very quality landscaping and fully staffed little beach houses. Here a very good place to take interior and exterior photos in a beach atmosphere 😎👙👡👕️☀️ I would tell my partner that I cared about them deeply, and the past five years were among the best of my life. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. But I also felt like we had come to a crossroads, and we weren’t facing the same futures. I had tried so hard to see myself in their dreams, but now I was having dreams of my own. And I didn’t think I saw a future, even a part-time one, in Montana.But there were, in fact, a number of stereotype-fulfilling boomer TERFs on board the cruise — and plenty of lesbians whose policing of gender norms took more banal forms. The woman who bought me a drink after I sang Kelly Clarkson at karaoke — a petite therapist from California with a prim gray bob — ended up being one of them.