Holding the Baby: Milk, sweat and tears from the frontline of motherhood

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Over the course of more than 130 columns, British Vogue’ s parenting columnist Nell Frizzell has analyzed and dissected the highs and lows of motherhood—interweaving deeply personal reflections on raising her son with calls for greater support for parents across the board. In her new book, Holding the Baby , she distills everything she’s learned into a moving memoir and manifesto for change. Here, she reflects on her greatest revelations from five years as a mother. For cost savings, you can change your plan at any time online in the “Settings & Account” section. If you’d like to retain your premium access and save 20%, you can opt to pay annually at the end of the trial. A memoir culminating in a manifesto, Holding the Baby sets out to understand why we still treat early parenthood as an individual slog rather than a shared cultural responsibility. Tracing her own journey to the nadir of sleeplessness via social retreat and murderous rage, Frizzell draws on the latest research to explore:

Read everything that Nell writes! We continuously mention her work on the High Low because she really is such a unique writer/ - The High Low PodcastFrizzell’s compassionate, compulsive prose fizzes with imaginative humour and metaphor... I admire Frizzell’s bravery, candour and campaigning spirit. Her critique of a society where inadequate, outdated government policy and workplace culture perpetuate gender inequality is sure to spark crucial conversations.- the Evening Standard But how to stay sane in such a maddening time? How to know who you are and what you might want from life? How to know if you're making the right decisions? Transworld has bagged a “witty, reassuring and radically ambitious” memoir from The Panic Years author and Vogue columnist Nell Frizzell. Nell Frizzell is the author of Holding the Baby: Milk, Sweat and Tears from the Frontline of Motherhood You may also opt to downgrade to Standard Digital, a robust journalistic offering that fulfils many user’s needs. Compare Standard and Premium Digital here.

Nell Frizzell has written for The Guardian, VICE, The Telegraph, Elle, Grazia, The Pool, The Observer, Buzzfeed, Refinery29, Red, Time Out and is a Vogue columnist. She is best known for features and columns on gender, culture, art and politics, including a recent Guardian piece on childbirth that was shared over 10,000 times, a dispatch from The Jungle refugee camp in Calais for VICE, advice on breastfeeding in public and many, many pieces on wild swimming. Nell has also featured several times on BBC Radio4’s Woman’s Hour, Shortcuts and as a guest on Radio 5 Live, BBC London and (surprisingly often) on BBC Radio Ulster. As well as journalism, Nell has written and performed comedy (at Green Man and Machynlleth Comedy Festival as well as various comedy nights in London), works as a lifeguard at the Ladies Pond on Hampstead Heath, is a seamstress and occasionally recreates famous portraits in her front room for her blog http://goppeldangers.tumblr.com/. The Italian notion of sprezzatura – the conscious effort of making things look easy and nonchalant – is toxic in the world of new parents. Oh me? I just whipped up this sugar-free carrot cake. Oh them? I didn’t do anything; they just started sleeping through the night. Oh the house? I just have these sixteen different handmade boxes where I sort their clothes and toys, so it’s really easy, actually. A fresh, funny novel filled with truths about relationships and perfect details. I tore though it.’ - Amy LiptrotI don’t know a single woman my age who hasn’t experienced the phenomenon that Nell articulates so bloody perfectly. Her writing is funny and beautiful and smart and I can’t tell you how necessary this book is!’ Searingly honest, witty and moving. For anyone who knows what it's like to simultaneously want to weep with joy and throw your child out of the window, Frizzell is a very welcome voice in the conversation on motherhood'. - Vogue In the UK, for those of you who don’t know, the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children was founded 60 years after the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and still receives significantly less funding each year, through donations and legacies, than the pet charity. Perhaps this apparent preference shouldn’t be surprising. After all, domesticated animals are far, far less dependent on you for physical, emotional or psychological support than babies and children. They don’t hit you with years of hormonal fury during toddlerhood and adolescence, don’t learn to talk, don’t develop challenging political views, fall in love with drug dealers or steal your record collection. Finally, if the pet in question is a total nightmare, it is possible to give it away, or take it to a shelter, with very little social stigma.

I’ve not been a single parent, a dating parent, a parent in a new relationship or in an open relationship. What I know is that being in a relationship with the other parent of your child means years – no, a lifetime – of conflict and compromise. You will, inevitably, have different approaches. One of you thinks you should let the baby crawl down the aisle of a Great Western carriage while the other thinks it’s dirty; one of you likes co-sleeping and the other doesn’t; one of you thinks you should just clear up in the evening, the other as you go along; one of you wants to be held as you fall asleep, one of you needs to have nothing and nobody on their skin just for an hour. You might disagree on whether you want more babies, or when. You might disagree on childcare, on money, on feeding, on what bib, on Calpol, on Hey Duggee. One of you will be more tired than the other but at different times. One of you will use naps to clean the hobs while the other uses them to lie down. Try to separate your parenting life from your relationship, even if that just means taking 70 seconds out of your day to look them in the eye. And don’t make your child a mediator or a weapon in those fights. You might not smell “that baby smell” There is a period of time during which a baby is utterly physically reliant on its parent or caregiver for survival. Some people call it the fourth trimester. Others call it a slice of pure hell. But of course, this period is not a trimester; it does not just last only three months. And it could be so much better...'

Language has brought me more joy than I expected

Nell Frizzell’s thoughts on womanhood and motherhood are as informative as they are poetic. Writing that challenges and enlightens you just as much as it entertains and stimulates you is rare, this book confidently does both on an important and complicated topic for modern women' - Dolly Alderton A blazing, brilliant read, combining style and message to powerful effect ... compassionate, convincing and funny.' Amy Liptrot

I’ve not been a single parent, a dating parent, a parent in a new relationship or in an open relationship. What I know is that being in a relationship with the other parent of your child means years—no, a lifetime—of conflict and compromise. You will, inevitably, have different approaches. One of you thinks you should let the baby crawl down the aisle of a Great Western traincar while the other thinks it’s dirty; one of you likes co-sleeping and the other doesn’t; one of you thinks you should just clear up in the evening, the other as you go along; one of you wants to be held as you fall asleep, one of you needs to have nothing and nobody on their skin just for an hour. You might disagree on whether you want more babies, or when. You might disagree on childcare, on money, on feeding, on what bib, on Calpol, on Hey Duggee. One of you will be more tired than the other but at different times. One of you will use naps to clean the stove while the other uses them to lie down. Try to separate your parenting life from your relationship, even if that just means taking 70 seconds out of your day to look them in the eye. And don’t make your child a mediator or a weapon in those fights. You might not smell “that baby smell”… Timely, honest, brave and funny calling for a new kind of conversation about love, work, and parentood' - the Daily MailThe baby I’ve been bringing up is now five. He can chop carrots and name different types of beetle and do up the velcro on his shoes. I have written more than 130 columns about the wild, endless, everyday wonder of being a parent. And I still have so, so much more to say. Because there is still so, so much to do. And enjoy. And rail against. And learn. What you learn will vary, of course. And it will probably be different depending on whether you are a birth parent, an adoptive parent, a co-parent, a single parent, an older parent, a parent with paid work, a religious parent, a parent of twins, of a newborn, a parent who has experienced pregnancy loss, a parent with a car, a disabled parent, a parent with a dishwasher, or a parent who uses the phrase “the days are long but the months are short.” I have been some of those things, and I have written about my experience not just to try and communicate it to other people but to try and understand it myself. So, several thousand flannels, tantrums, rashes, and kisses later, here is what I’ve learned. Language has brought me more joy than I expected The publisher described the work as “a memoir culminating in a manifesto”. It said: “ Holding the Baby sets out to understand why we still treat early parenthood as an individual slog rather than a shared cultural responsibility. Tracing her own journey to the nadir of sleeplessness via social retreat and murderous rage, Frizzell draws on the latest research to explore the ways in which we fail new parents, and offer a rallying crying that we fight for a better alternative.” My favourite person on the politics of parenthood. Read it and feel comforted, cheered and galvanized (even when your brain and body are melting).' Pandora Sykes