The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

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Setting healthy boundaries is good for your relationships, your business, and your finances. The Book of Boundaries shows you how to stand up for yourself, say no, and communicate your needs in a way that leaves you feeling confident and empowered. Through her stories, personal experiences, and research,Melissa Urban gives you the tools, affirmations, and language you need to reclaim your time, energy, and health.” —Tiffany Aliche, New York Times bestselling author of Get Good with Money Downsides are that the green, yellow, and red light system are somewhat simplistic, particularly in examples, and she doesn't show how altering the situation slightly or your own goals might change the framing of the response. I do appreciate that she notes:

The chapters on workplace boundaries (chapter 3) and setting boundaries with parents and in-laws, grandparents and other family members (chapter 4) were quite relevant. Overall this is a pretty decent book on boundaries. The scripts in this book are gold and the primary reason it got 4 stars.

Setting a boundary without explaining, justifying, or excusing, is a truly boss move, indicating that you’ve given this plenty of thought, you’re crystal clear on what you need, and you’re comfortable advocating for yourself. The Book of Boundaries, pg 39 Set the limits that will set you free. From the beloved co-founder of the Whole30, this straightforward and practical guide to setting boundaries will revolutionize your relationships. Melissa Urban’s latest is the “guidebook” on boundaries a lot of readers will find relevant and useful. It’s written in a manner that is easy to follow, understand and apply but it’s also relatable and enjoyable to read as she shares both personal examples, as well as those of the individuals she worked with. She explains what boundaries are, why they matter and how to set and uphold them in various contexts (from workplace to friends, family and relationships). I truly enjoyed reading this book, in part because it’s obvious this book was written by someone who has done and continues to do the work on themselves and their relationship, as well as someone who thinks deeply about how this book might be experienced from very different perspectives.

Whether it is in a workplace or in the family, one person’s boundaries are empowering to another. I have experienced this first hand. Clinton is the oldest in his family and once I was introduced to his family, I have had a wonderful example to look up to. From a young age, he made his preferences clear to his parents. Me coming into the equation led to a few of them relaxing slightly while others I was able to solidify further. I have been able to build on top of his boundaries and approach family discussions around travelling and home visits with confidence. Boundaries are established to help you plan and communicate your response to what other people say or do. In a healthy boundary practice, you’ll notice how other people’s behavior impacts you, communicate your healthy limit in relation to that behavior, then consider what you are willing to do to enforce that limit." She suggests thinking about applying boundaries in three steps: green, yellow, and red, following our less-than delightful need for thought simplification. 'Green' ones are gentle ways we may try to redirect people, or state our needs. One of insights Urban brings is that boundaries are actually done with compassion: it is not unkind to tell someone (or yourself) 'no,' if it is in service of a higher good. And it can be done nicely, without being mean (those of you in the midwest can breathe easier). This, I think, is a telling example of how many of us have boundaries that we don't like enforcing when she discusses how 'soft' reactions are really bad attempts at making a boundary: I define boundaries as clear limits you establish around the ways you allow people to engage with you, so that you can keep yourself and your relationships safe and healthy. […] you’re always in charge of where those limits lie, and enforcing them. The Book of Boundaries, pg 6 Nancy liked her neighbor and wanted to have a good relationship with her. If this neighbor kept crashing her morning walks, Nancy was going to become resentful, then angry, and perhaps even lash out one morning out of sheer frustration. Setting a boundary here would be an act of kindness, allowing Nancy to care for her neighbor without putting her own needs on hold to do so.A long book review forthcoming. If that isn't your cup of tea, just apply a personal boundary and say, 'not for me,' and move on. Boundaries, you see, work both ways: protecting intrusions into our personal space/time, but also to managing our own urges to step out into others' and perhaps involve ourselves in something that isn't to our benefit. The idea that a boundary isn't about controlling others is a key point, and I appreciate that Urban makes it early. Her "crash course" on boundaries simply consists of identifying the need, setting up boundary language, and enforcing it. The steps are clear but what is more challenging is the emotional discomfort that some people might have. This is because setting boundaries might become misconstrued as rude. Once the rationale for boundary setting is understood, readers will learn about: scripts with language you can use to set boundaries with bosses and co-workers, romantic partners, parents and in-laws, co-parents, friends, family, neighbors, strangers—and yourself There are thousands of books that talk about married life and partnership and I found a new interest in them after my wedding. We were already a team but since the wedding, I feel a stronger energy and connection.

I also got tons of book recommendations from The Book of Boundaries and am diving into them. A few noteworthy ones are: Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do by Eve Rodsky ( Goodreads), Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski ( Goodreads) and Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything by B. J. Fogg ( Goodreads). Boundaries aren’t about controlling the other person, they’re about the limits you put in place around yourself to stay healthy and safe." Practical and inspiring, The Book of Boundaries will empower you to prioritise your needs and lead a life that feels bigger, freer and happier. Saying no, setting clear expectations and letting someone know that their behavior is unacceptable are a few of the everyday uncomfortable situations we encounter. Melissa shares the three steps to setting boundaries and her traffic light strategy (which I used for teaching many years ago, read about it here) is an easy way to get comfortable with such conversations. The steps of setting boundaries are:Melissa Urban shows the way forward with clarity, vulnerability, and humor.”—Gretchen Rubin, author of Life in Five Senses Squishy boundary: eye roll, deep sigh, ignoring the question, or making a joke about it. Clear boundary: “I’d rather not talk about our bodies or weight today, thanks.” Boundaries allow those who care about us to support us in the way we want to be supported. They provide a clear line between what we find helpful and harmful, so people don’t have to try to read our minds. They let us engage in relationships fully and openly, knowing we’ve clearly expressed our limits and made it easier for others to respect our needs. In fact, the best way to preserve a relationship often includes setting boundaries within it. Finally, a dynamic I must recognize and state from the outset: Setting a boundary is an expression of power and a privilege. Without that privilege, you’re likely more fearful of setting a boundary and the truth is, others are less likely to respect it. (That’s how systems of oppression work.)" I always tell my therapy patients thatboundariescreate trust, comfort, and safety in a relationship, but many people struggle with how to effectively communicate what they need.In The Book of Boundaries, Melissa Urban helps you identify your boundary needs, offers actionable scripts on what to say, and shares proven tips based on a decade of experience helping people live more freely by holding their limits with confidence.” —Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk To Someone

In the first chapter itself it was clear to me that while I did grow up seeing my parents and friends enforce boundaries, it was always something that was modeled rather than talked about. It felt liberating to read about boundaries and realize where the responsibility lies and what they are for. Melissa says that boundaries are an essential life skill. I agree and I am thrilled to know so much about them now. The two chapters around table talk and sensitive topics drove this lesson home for me. Just because I am curious about something, it is not enough reason to bring up bad memories and trauma that I do not understand the extent of. Since reading this book, I ask myself if the answer would just benefit me or would it bring anything to the person I am asking of.If you've struggled to identify and establish healthy boundaries - with family, in romance, at work, or in life - Melissa Urban shows the way forward with clarity, vulnerability, and humour' I get where Nancy is coming from. We (especially women) are often told that it’s selfish to put our own feelings and needs first. This is a common objection to boundaries: that setting them feels cold or punitive, like you’re building a wall between people and creating division. But remember, boundaries aren’t walls, they’re fences. And good fences make for good neighbors. My best friend, Lauren, and I chatted about this lesson. As a society, we are not just bad at saying no, we are also bad at accepting no. I was telling them about a Christmas exchange I was part of where I got offered something and I declined. The next five minutes were uncomfortable because the gifter wanted to know why I won’t accept their gift and I personally was thinking out loud and trying to understand my own aversion. As I looked through The Book of Boundaries days later for writing this review, I realized I had forgotten lesson 2. 🙂 Speaking up in the moment, advocating for yourself, and asking for what you need is uncomfortable. But what’s both uncomfortable and damaging is reaffirming the story that someone else’s feelings are more important or worthy than your own – which is what you do every time you swallow your healthy boundary in an effort to keep the peace. With the learnings from The Book of Boundaries in tow, I am now able to set boundaries and identify places where they were missing. I particularly love having a conversation with Clinton about what we experience. Reading this book gave us more to connect about while at the same time, increasing our vocabulary and finding ways in which we can support each other.