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After crashing through a billboard on his bike] There were two sides to that billboard, and they both hurt equally. Deuce Bigalow: Do you really think that all a woman wants, is for some man to give her a "Mud Pretzel", "Turkish Snow Cone", or an..."Irish Facial"? donkey-punching: …Virgin: "MOOJ: It's not about these rusty trombone, and dirty sanchez. It's not about rainbow showers and camel-toe slide, and your Cincinnati bowtie, your Arabian goggles or the hot carl… You're making the pussy into this great big Greek goddess named 'Pussalia' and what you're doing is that you're psyching yourself into to thinking that it's some impossible feat.
Paula: [ About David's video camera antics] He's performing a public colonoscopy. Isn't that sweet? after Andy tells him he's going to tell Trish he's a virgin] You should totally tell her, man...'Cause I watched this movie called Liar, Liar and the message was "Don't lie."...and that was a smart movie.
The day after the poker game when Andy walks into the store. The wall of TVs shows a video of women in bathing suits washing cars] Andy is goin' down, partner! We're gonna be [ starts humping air] This is for you partner, this is for you! [ referring to the women on the screen] Waves of them are gonna be comin' at you on Friday, Saturday. By Sunday yo nuts gonna be drained! You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much I completely stay away from them!
Being bitter about Amy] If she wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody... well, hey, that's love. donkey-punch: …Virgin: "MOOJ: It's not about these rusty trombone, and dirty sanchez. It's not about rainbow showers and camel-toe slide, and your Cincinnati bowtie, your Arabian goggles or the hot carl… Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005), directed by Mike Bigelow; written by Harris Goldberg, Rob Schneider, David Garrett, and Jason Ward. You know, when you, like, you grab a woman's breast and it's... and you feel it and... it feels like a bag of sand when you're touching it.Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video everyone watches in the store] It looks like a Poltergeist. Digging through the box of porn] And this is...this is "Everybody Loves Raymond"...This probably shouldn't be in here...This is just a good show, I just tape this sometimes. Andy: [ referring to his shirt] Cal, what do you think? Is this too yellow? Cal: No. What's Curious George like in real life? Beth: Can I help you? Andy: I don't know. Can you? Beth: Are you looking for something? Andy: Is there something I should be looking for? Beth: We have a lot of books. So, maybe it depends on what you like. Andy: What do you like? Beth: We have a great section of...do-it-yourself. Andy: Do you like to "do it yourself"? Beth: Sometimes. I mean...if the mood strikes. Andy: How is the mood striking you now? [ they both laugh] Beth: What's your name? Andy: What's your name? Beth: I'm Beth. Andy: Andy. Beth: Andy. Don't tell on me, okay, Andy? Andy: I won't. Unless you want to be told on...Beth. Taglines [ edit ] Cal and Andy are looking at the exposed thong underwear of a girl who works in a bookstore] Andy: There's something wrong with her underwear. Cal: Yeah, they're not in my mouth.
Obviously dudes are way better at talking about sex—from Shakespeare, creator of the word “undress,” to the first dude who said “donkey punch.” David: You know sometimes, Amy and I would make love and it was almost like we weren't two people. We were two spirits or something. Our souls were connected in this way, I can't-can't describe it, time stood still. It was like we were sharing the same heart. Jay: Stop, man! Why do you always come in and kill the vibe with those things?! "Sharing the same heart", that's like some Britney Spears shit! There's three grown-ass men here, we don't need to hear that shit! If I have to hear " Yah Mo B There" one more time, I'm gonna "Yah Mo" burn this place to the ground. referring to letting Andy hang out with them] I don't wanna end up a lampshade in some creepy apartment...after Andy gets promoted to Floor Manager] This is the bullshit of all bullshits! You scumbag! Ass kisser! Of course it doesn't feel right. What feels right hasn't worked. It's time to try some wrong, dawg. Screw these analogies, okay? What he's saying is that you are gonna be so bad at sex the first time that you don't wanna have sex with someone you like, 'cause they'll think you're a weirdo for being so lame at it. So you wanna have sex with "hood rats" so that by the time you get to a girl that you do like, you won't be terrible at sex, you'll be mediocre at it. [ pause] Probably still pretty bad, though.
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