A Lesbian Mother's Handbook

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Kyoung Mi Choi explores the additional layers that are involved in coming out as an Asian LGBTQ identifying person. Illustration by Tevy Khou. If you opt for an anonymous donor, you won’t know who the person is, but you will be given information on certain key characteristics, like their family history and appearance. Was mummy for a long time. Worked out I was non binary when kids were 3 and 6. They came up with jelly and treea as alternative names for me. Dudes still have the monopoly on porn at 76 percent of PH’s viewers, while women make up that other 24 percent, and I’m sure feel very bad about it.

LAURA: We've had a wholly positive experience so far – people's attitudes have moved on so much in such a short space of time. We can make our own choices and not feel marginalised. It feels as though the wider society realises we're just a normal, boring family – we don't spent our days swinging from chandeliers. Our daughter has 3 moms! She calls her dad’s girlfriend “ mom“, I’m also “ mom“, and my wife, Megan, is either “ Mama Megan” or simply “ Megan“! Started as Mummy and Daddy, then when I transitioned I became Bibi as a contraction of my new name, Ruby, as son was still mostly non verbal at the time and the ‘b’ sound was one he had in his repertoire so would be easy to say while keeping a clear distinction between parents.NATALIE: You'd be surprised how many men want to help women in our situation. After our experience, we decided to set up gayfamilyweb.co.uk, offering to connect gay families with donors and other gay families. It was difficult for us to meet other gay women with children in our area – although we had the support of our straight friends, we felt isolated as we had no one to talk to in the same situation. But when he looked at her quizzically, she says the full realisation of who she is hit her. I am a lesbian, Leila told herself. Instead, Teri turned to me. “You’re going to get better, kiddo,” she promised softly, our blue eyes inches apart, as she rubbed my arm. “I’m not going to leave you until you’re better.” When she was a teenager, Nella dreamed of going to university. But her family were constantly urging her to get married. They would introduce her to members of the extended family, in the hope they could find a match.

Sanne is only three but she's already being asked where her daddy is and why she draws two mums": (from left) Natalie holding Quinten, Sanne and Laura. Photograph: Karen Robinson for the Observer

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Two years later, Niya felt she had to tell one person in her immediate family. She chose one of her brothers. My wife carried all our children. We call her Mommy. Our singleton is biologically hers. The twins she carried are biologically mine. I am called Mama. We do not share with people who is who’s biologically. Nor do we share with people about the sperm donor. When choosing our names it was very important that people knew with out a doubt that we were both the mothers.

We planned to be Mama and Mommy but we couldn’t keep it straight and the kids liked Mama Chris and Mama Suz. As they have gotten older, it is often just easier to get the right mom by saying our first name–sometimes people think this is disrespectful but really not, just efficient. To others, they talk about their moms. In 2016, her husband found out about these conversations and her marriage broke down. He vowed to keep her sexuality a secret from the wider community for the sake of their children. Bibai was what I called myself as a toddler and my family still uses it for me sometimes, so it’s pretty easy to get them to remember to call me that in front of my kid. It largely relies on internet shorthand, obscure symbols used by lesbians around the world. Nella would send these images and emoticons to other women. Those in the know would respond.

Trying to conceive as a lesbian mom

LARA: The desire to be as involved as possible in our children's lives is part of the reason Ruth is a governor at the school. We want to be right in there and know what's happening. Having a close-knit community has been pivotal for us – both at the school, in our local neighbourhood, and with our friends and family. LARA: We are doing everything we can to equip our children with the right language and attitude to deal with peer pressure – and the main thing is for them to feel like they can talk to us. Whatever we do, our kids are at the centre of it. RUTH: We wanted the children to know who these men are. We don't call them a dad – they are a donor – although the word doesn't quite match or fit the role they play in the children's lives. We see them once every couple of months and the relationships have developed over time. The whole process was quite intense, but we're aware that these fantastic men have helped us out in the most enormous way. NATALIE: Ash and I are both secondary-school teachers, so we do see neglected children or those who have absent fathers. We're very aware of what we shouldn't be doing.

Being a lesbian mom means navigating a unique set of challenges and joys. Knowing every journey is different, here is some of what you might expect. Leila, Niya - and later Nella - formed a community. Now there are dozens of women who see themselves as Burundi’s secret lesbian collective. Some have support from their families. A few are married with children. No-one is openly out. We started out with Mama and Mommy, but never really committed and both just referred to ourselves as Mama (as in, ‘your mama’) until it lost all meaning. Then for a while it was Stephamommy (Stephanie + Mommy) and Other Mommy (who is technically the bio-parent. Stephamommy thought that one was hilarious) until we convinced our daughter to start using Mommily (Mama + Emily). She turned to social media and carried out searches for women who like women. Suddenly, she realised she was not alone.

Fun facts about Tassia

RUTH: You'll always come across people who are prejudiced. What's amazed us is that we're going through it as adults, and it's easy to forget what it's like for a child. Just recently Lara and I have tried to look at prejudiced behaviour from a seven-year-old's point of view and teach them skills to deal with what may come. Millennials reach the promise land of orgasm one minute and five seconds sooner than older generations, who, it’s safe to say, just need some time, okay? I was terrified to bring shame, guilt, and dishonor to them, to burden them with my truth. Even the thought of telling my family who I was made me feel very selfish. I told myself that I was silent about my sexual orientation to protect the family from judgment and discrimination. So instead of sharing my confusion and the struggles of exploring my sexual orientation, I distanced myself from the people, places, and things I loved.