Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have: And Why the Washing-Up Matters

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For Children, Voices In The Middle provides support through divorce and separation, including advice on child inclusive mediation ( www.voicesinthemiddle.com)

FALSE “The question I’d ask a couple,” says Real, “is: who is your community? Who is supporting you, and how have you signalled you need that support, that you value it for your relationship?” Few rituals are left in modern life, he says, and a marriage ceremony is one that includes others as well as the couple themselves. “There’s something transformative about it being an experience embedded in the community,” he says. “That’s why it mattered to fight for the legal right for gay couples to marry.” If a relationship needs therapy, it’s too late But there’s scope for personal growth for even the most evolved among us (what, after all, is more evolved than silently WhatsApping pictures of the overflowing bin to a friend as your eyelid twitches involuntarily?). I want to get better at conflict. I don’t expect to enjoy it, but like kale or exercise, tolerating the unpleasantness has long-term benefits. An online poll in 2012 suggested that couples who argue “effectively” are 10 times more likely to have a happy relationship than those who don’t. The people we live with thoughtfully foster our personal development daily, filling our favourite mug with WD40, piling washing in a mouldering heap If you approach your arguments as, ‘This is where I’m going to prove that I’m right, and I’m going to win this argument,’ you will just keep having them again and again,” she says. “And that’s no fun for anyone, particularly not your kids.” Most long-term relationship failure is not the result of people of poor character doing a bunch of obviously abhorrent things to their partners. The much more common - and much less publicised - condition is that people fail to recognise how the so-called ‘little things’ in relationships add up over time, and often communicate one of two ideas. Either it’s: My relationship partner loves me, and I can trust them because the things they do and say are constantly reinforcing that I’m seen, heard, respected, and cared for. My partner’s actions add up to the experience of feeling loved.In my experience these arguments are never fully resolved; life brings opportunities to rehash them (Photo: StefaNikolic/ Getty) Obviously, this argument isn’t about whether or not I will go to the party (I will). It’s not even about who is right (I am right). It’s clearly about the resentment that builds around the chore of organising a social life on behalf of someone who is both graceless and ungrateful. FALSE If politics matters deeply to you then yes, says Bose, you need to be aligned. But if it doesn’t, voting for different political parties probably won’t unseat your relationship to any extent. “Much more important is sharing the same values: what’s important to you, what you truly believe matters. If you don’t agree on values, it seeps into your everyday life and can affect your relationship at a very deep level.” Relationship problems always come down to money or sex And we offer support and solidarity to parents over at the Facebook community I run, The Village – A Parenting Community for Humans ( https://www.facebook.com/groups/visforvillage) And what rich opportunities there are! The people we live with thoughtfully foster our personal development daily, filling our favourite mug with WD40, piling washing in a mouldering heap to “dry” and turning the sink into an immersive art installation called something like “Teabag Butterknife Pan Soak IX”. Harrison writes that she has heard every variant of washing-up fight, and I believe it: dishwasher Tetris topped my unscientific survey of common fight topics by miles – we’re all exercised by fork prongs and pre-rinsing.

Most fights are horrible, but these entry-level spats, if you will, feel manageable. Buoyed by Harrison’s encouragement, I currently have five of my own, in various stages of their life cycle, on the go. I’m not sure what deeper truths they express, but they are: My wife and I have had all these arguments and more – arguments about why things have been left where they have been left, arguments about togetherness and space, about decisions taken without consultation, or plans insufficiently diarised.For 30 years my wife and I have been arguing about the bins. The argument is not about whose job it is to put out the bins – it’s mine. It’s about how I always need to be reminded to do my job, and how inappropriately resentful I become at having been reminded. I invariably cite this allegation as proof that I remain a tragically misunderstood figure, and then go on to handle the bins roughly. Every Tuesday, at 10pm. As one parent told me: “There have been so many different emotions and phases since separating. The immediate phase after separation felt unbearable, and isolating. In the next stage, I started to learn about and set (and keep resetting) boundaries. This set the foundation for moving forward and regaining agency in my life. The current phase I’m in has an underlying sense of confidence and tenacity.” One parent, who is co-parenting at a distance after leaving an abusive partner, can have the final word: “In a nutshell, it’s been both the worst and the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn’t change it for the world and am such a better parent for it.” Resources for separated parents My experience of working with these tensions (tensions also familiar to me from my own relationship and those of my friends) inspired my recent book Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have And Why The Washing Up Matters in which I suggest that rather than thinking arguments are to be avoided at all costs, some arguments can offer the relationship the potential to grow, because they flag up issues that need attention. FALSE It’s not date nights that matter, says Harrison, it’s time together. So you don’t have to spend money or go out or have a treat (though that might be lovely). The bit your relationship needs is time shared as a couple: snuggled together on the sofa watching TV or a walk in the park can be every bit as good as a pricey meal out. A baby will jeopardise your relationship