The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps

Product Information

I was wanting to find out more about ADHD in general and how if effects people, and this was the first book that popped up on Hoopla for me. On the other side of the relationship, the person without ADHD tries hard to adjust to their partner’s unreliable, chaotic tendencies. They saddle themselves with more responsibilities and do their best to let go of grievances. But this leaves them feeling exhausted, resentful, and hopeless. Step 4: Improving Communication - communication techniques that work when ADHD is present (p. 165. Audio 7. Kindle loc. 2744) With 16 years of this marital challenge behind us, divorce was very much on it's way, and yet with this book we both have a new ally, a resurgence of hope. I will go to the next therapist, put this in his or her hands, and say "read this, and handle us this way".

When frustration and tension take root in a relationship, it’s easy to fall out of love with your partner, even if you still love them. You might long for the fun that was part of your early romance, or wish that you felt happy when your partner walked through the door – even if they managed to forget the bread yet again! This book provides an incredibly valuable service to those struggling in a marriage with ADHD. Written by someone who has been there and knows firsthand how ADHD can disrupt a marriage, it will help couples truly understand ADHD, realize they are not alone, and teach them what specifically can be done to align together as a team to turn things around. Ms. Orlov has done a wonderful job of providing knowledge, awareness, and hope to those who sorely need it." Orlov also blogs for Psychology Today, and authored the “Your Relationships” column for ADDitude Magazine from 2008-2014. She is a contributing author to Married to Distraction, with Hallowell and his wife, Sue George Hallowell, LICSW, and to The Distracted Couple, the first therapist handbook about counseling couples with ADHD. If you want a book that will help you finally understand why your spouse acts in certain ways and how you can make their lives and your own life better going forward then read it. If your spouse also reads it, great. But even if only you read it, you're enlightening yourself.People with ADHD often feel different, ashamed, unlovable, and afraid of failure. Every day, they must navigate through the world with a constantly buzzing mind that prevents them from distinguishing what’s important to focus on and what isn’t a priority. Being relentlessly barraged by so much information is overwhelming, and can easily lead to panic. Personal boundaries help you find the line between moderating who you are to support a relationship, and compromising yourself to the point that you behave in unhealthy ways. To find that line, you need to know which boundaries are most important to you and which ones have enough flexibility, so that you can bend without breaking. Then, Alex will briefly respond to Beth’s concern. For instance, he might tell her that he’s only joking, and that he often worries afterward that she’s taken what he’s said the wrong way but that she shouldn’t be concerned because he doesn’t mean it. Beth then mirrors what Alex has said, followed by her response to this – perhaps that she still feels hurt, even if Alex doesn’t mean what he says. By opening up the conversation in this way, each partner begins to understand how their behavior impacts the other person. Typically, they’ll then identify for themselves how they could try to moderate their behavior to avoid hurt and conflict next time. The book goes on and on about how hard it is to live with someone with ADHD and not enough about how to make it easier. It just leaves me feeling helpless, hopeless, and ashamed of myself. I really had a lot higher hopes for this book after hearing others swear by it. I think from now on, I'll only take book recommendations from people who actually have ADHD. One method couples can adopt to support communication and connection is learning conversations. This mirroring exercise facilitates sharing ideas and needs with each other without any suggestion of problem-solving. Rather, it’s about understanding why a particular activity or scenario is difficult or painful.

Regardless of who has ADHD in your relationship, the best way to break this cycle is to direct your focus onto yourself and set personal boundaries. These are values or behaviors that are absolutely essential if you want to be your truest self. At the same time, their partner often feels neglected or unappreciated because the partner with ADHD doesn’t help with household chores, complete projects they initiate, or is chronically late and forgetful. Their frustration and resentment build, as the partner without ADHD takes on more and more household responsibilities. Soon, they feel like a parent, not a partner. Help get this into the hands of young people, and some inexpensive way for average folks to be personally guided, as books and ADHD often don't mix well. Thank you, also, for your teleseminar, Melissa. It was well done. I may retrain to assist in this field, seeing the huge need.Then, consider where your personal boundaries are at the moment. What’s different now? Are some boundaries missing? If you could adopt them, what would they be? Melissa provides a nine-week couples seminar live by Zoom three times a year (fall, winter, and spring) and in a self-study version the remainder of the year. Regardless of whether you decide to work with the consulting group, we STRONGLY recommend you take the seminar. Past participants repeatedly say the course ‘is one of the best things they have ever done’ for their relationship. The partner without ADHD should also consider seeking treatment. This strategy is more likely to help the couple rebuild their relationship because the person without ADHD will play an important role in their partner’s treatment plan. As mentioned earlier, people’s habits are more likely to change when they feel safe, so creating a supportive home environment is just as important as medication. If a safe home environment is missing, other forms of treatment will have very limited benefits, and the couple will be less likely to rebuild their relationship. Something resembling the Gottman's weekends and therapist training is needed to offer a lifeline to the many couples headed for divorce unnecessarily, if they just had help. Interactive settings are often much better in getting through to ADHD folks than books. Having a respected presenter say the same things the non-ADHD partner is trying to express should increase credibility, and open the door to understanding. Books are simply not enough. A non-profit method to provide this help to lower income folks would have a huge impact.

And the final star off is just because this book is a major downer that may make you paranoid if you have adhd or hopeless if you are involved with someone who does.

What it is, and is not

Founder of ADHDmarriage.com (2007), and ADHD & Marriage Consulting, Melissa has spent years helping couples impacted by ADHD improve their relationships and learn to thrive. She provides seminars, support groups, private couples consulting, in-depth information, professional training, and more. The ADHD brain functions in a very consistent and predictable way. That means that certain behavioral patterns will inevitably arise in the context of a romantic relationship. For instance, a “parent-child” dynamic might develop, in which the partner without ADHD takes over practical responsibilities but then feels resentful. Or they constantly nag their partner, which only creates distance, irritation, and conflict. Millions of adults with ADHD struggle to overcome their inattention, procrastination, impulsivity, and distractibility. Yet few realize that after they marry, these same symptoms can severely affect their loved ones, often with disastrous results. Melissa Orlov offers a unique and refreshing approach to helping ADHD couples understand the underlying issues caused by ADHD that can negatively impact their relationship. Her methods are built upon years of experience and offer couples hope and guidance. Most importantly, her strategies prepare them to make smart choices to build happier, healthier futures. This book is long overdue and much needed!" Secondly, some of the advice was sound, but other suggestions were obviously not being provided by a professional. I just finished the book, so the first that comes to mind is her suggestion that people with ADHD might go to bed with their spouse for "cuddle time" and then stay in bed on their phone or laptop until they're ready for bed. Anyone with trouble sleeping knows that you should never look at a screen before bed, especially while you're IN bed. The fact that the author is not actually licensed in any way but is just "experienced" definitely comes through sometimes. So in 2007 I started this blog and forum with Dr. Hallowell to share what I had learned. This information is important, marriage-saving information. Why should you have to figure it out on your own and reinvent the wheel? This book is my organized way of collecting the most important things that you need to know to not only identify the patterns that ADHD creates in your marriage but what you need to both survive and then thrive the way my husband and I did.