Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

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Shortform note: Sometimes, people who repeatedly violate your boundaries do so in an attempt to get a response from you, much like a playground bully. If you’re dealing with a bully, it can be helpful to ignore that person entirely. By refusing to argue or engage, you deny them the satisfaction of knowing they’ve made you upset, which will make them less likely to try the same tactic in the future.) So what, what do you hope is the biggest takeaway that people take from your books and from this conversation and, and put into place in their own lives?

On my couch, Kim went down the list of things she had agreed to do for other people in the coming week. She insisted that her friend needed her help to move. Her coworker would not be able to manage his project without her assistance. Kim was eager for solutions. She was trying to create more time to do all the things she'd signed up for. Apparently service workers have to be perfect and nice and friendly all the time and having a bad day is a violation of customers' boundaries. Yeah. Yeah. I, I hope that we can embrace the big need that we have to, to receive help from other people. I think independence is often celebrated, right? Like, you go from needing everything as a human from everyone else. You need someone to hold you to change your diaper, to feed you. And the more independence you get, the more you're celebrated, right? Like, “Oh my gosh, look at you, you're able to do this thing. Oh my gosh.”

So if a person were to step away from that, it seems like a very offensive thing, but I think over time, cultures change. Like if we really think about it over time, cultures have changed. And I wonder who was the boundary setter to change some of the things in the culture. So it's not like boundaries haven't been a part of cultures, it's just like we don't wanna be the person to break up that cultural dynamic. So, in your first book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, one of the things that I found most interesting was just this idea that a lot of us feel guilty about setting boundaries because we think that there's somehow something rude about that. But there's plenty of ways to do it, to set a boundary in a way that is totally not rude at all and is in fact, a healthy thing to do.

But many people believe, like, if we're not close, then that's problematic. And it's like, no. You get to choose your level of interaction with anyone. If you don't have a close relationship with a sibling, it doesn't mean that you don't have a relationship. It means you don't have a close relationship. But with in-laws, there's this expectation that because this person is, you know, maybe an elder, that they have this information about how to be in relationships with other people. And it's not true when you're dating someone; their family has their own cultural stuff going on, and you're stepping into that and it's like, your job is not really to change their whole system and to point out enmeshment and to point out who's favored.Well, when we see what the problem is and we go to the person and we say, “Hey, this is my issue. I would like whatever.” And the person, sometimes they don't blatantly say, “I won't do that.” They just won't do it. You'll see it in their behavior, or they'll violate it in some way, and you have a choice. I think about when people say things like, “Every time I tell my sister something, she tells my mom.” Tawwab argues that it’s especially important to explicitly state your boundaries in the workplace because your coworkers may not always know you intimately—coworkers whom you aren’t close to won’t know how you’d like to be treated until you tell them. Just like with loved ones, it’s best to communicate explicitly with your coworkers regardless of how close your relationships with them are. Give your coworkers the chance to respect you by communicating your boundaries in the office the same as you would in other relationships. So you give an example in the book where you're talking about a, a mother who's struggling to deal with one of her children who has an addiction issue, and she feels like if she sets any boundaries with this person, that they're gonna kind of spiral out of control and she might lose them forever. Finally, Tawwab notes that you should decide in advance what to do if someone continues to violate your stated boundaries. This may include consequences. Consequences can feel mean, but they often help others to understand that you’re serious about your boundaries. And, even if others choose not to adjust to your boundaries, consequences can also protect you from further harm and discomfort. Each time that that happens, when there's someone you're clearly setting a boundary with… “Don’t do this thing. This is how I want you to do whatever.” We look at them disrupting that boundary as it must be a crisis. That's why they showed up unannounced. It must be a crisis. That's why they're calling right now.

As Tawwab describes, passive aggression involves doling out consequences for violations without first taking time to communicate your boundaries. It can be easy to fall into this pattern—when someone does something you don’t like, many people find it natural to sulk or retaliate. However, behaving passive-aggressively usually doesn’t help you get your needs met because the other person won’t know what they’ve done wrong or how to do better until you tell them. There are certainly communities where boundaries are discouraged because of the enmeshment, the cultural enmeshment in the family. Like you wanna carry forth certain traditions.For example, suppose you have a manager at work who makes inappropriate comments about your appearance. Even though you’ve talked to him about it, he refuses to listen, and because you need the income from your job, you can’t just stop showing up. In this situation, one option would be to limit your interactions with this manager, asking to be scheduled on different days, and working on separate projects whenever possible. All of these things that we do, it's really to figure out how do I be a relationship with these people? How do I, you know, maintain my sense of self? What are my boundaries and what is possible for these connections? And you know, they might be upset because they're your, your father or your mother or another family member that feels like it somehow reflects on them. How do you then go about handling the ancillary people in the family when you draw a boundary with one person? Like your boundary at, you know, this point in life may not be your boundary in two years. So don't get so focused on “I must have this boundary forever”. It is a thing you can transition. And you know, certain people don't need certain boundaries. So there are some people who naturally understand some things, so don't think you have to have these hard conversations with everyone.

If boundary violations become frequent in one of your relationships, Tawwab suggests limiting your interactions with the person in question. Finding ways to limit time spent with people who don’t respect your boundaries can be an especially useful tool when you don’t have the option to leave the situation completely. In these situations, limiting the amount of time you spend interacting with the offending person can minimize your discomfort. As opposed to the healthy, effective methods for communicating and reinforcing boundaries we’ve covered, many people use passive aggression, aggression, and manipulation to communicate their needs. Whether or not they realize it, everyone exhibits these behaviors at times—even you. This isn’t because we’re bad, selfish people, but rather because boundary-setting is difficult, especially if you’ve never been taught to do it. Unfortunately, these common tendencies don’t help us maintain healthy relationships. Because of this, Tawwab recommends that you look out for these patterns and avoid them. Yes. My biggest one is safety. So there are times in life where relationships are just unsafe. Sometimes physically, I've talked to adults who are being physically hit by their parents when they do something. That is it for today's episode of How to Be a Better Human. Thank you so much to today's guest, Nedra Glover Tawwab. I am your host, Chris Duffy, and you can find more from me, including my weekly newsletter and information about my live comedy shows at chrisduffycomedy.com. Tawwab recommends that you take time to rest and let difficult emotions settle after communicating boundaries. It’s important to give yourself a break after setting boundaries because communicating boundaries can be difficult and uncomfortable, especially if you’re new to it. Taking time to eat a comforting meal, read a book, or chat with a friend are all things that can help you decompress after setting boundaries.And for that, I would say allow it. It's okay to miss people. It's okay to be sad about not having them in your life. It's okay to wish that things were different, and you don't have to do anything about that. It's not anything you need to resolve. Over time, the, the loss will be less intense.