When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope--Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy

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a: it's bad for you, since it means that your thoughts aren't being heard, and you often end up doing something you don't want to Right 10 from the bill of assertive rights is the right to say, ‘I don’t care’. We don’t have to care what other people think, what other people feel or about other people’s ideas. The most difficult situations in which to learn to be assertive are those involving people we truly care about—our equals, like parents, friends, lovers, and mates. An equal relationship has the least a priori structure of any of the interactions you can have with another person. When conflict with an equal arises, how “should” you cope with it? This means that we have the right to judge the most appropriate way to respond, act, feel, think and behave, but, we must also accept the consequences, whether positive or negative, that our choice has.

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You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself. While we had taught them adequate language, cultural, and technical skills, we had not prepared them at all for assertively and confidently dealing in public with a critical personal examination of their motives, wants, weaknesses, even their strengths—in short, an examination of themselves as persons. We had not taught them to cope in a situation where the trainee wanted to talk about agronomy and the ersatz farmers (as the real campesinos would) wanted to talk about the trainee. We had not taught them how to respond in such a situation because we didn’t then know what to teach them. All of us had vague ideas about the situation but none of us helped much. We did not teach the trainee how to assert himself without having to justify or give a reason for everything he does or wants to do. We had not taught the trainee how to say simply: “Because I want to …” and then leave the rest up to the people he was going to try and help.

Este me lo recomendaron en un taller de Prácticas Neurolingüísticas, es un libro de autoayuda presentado por un psiquiatra que nos explica algunas normas y técnicas aplicadas con ejemplos muy claros y específicos que son de fácil comprensión. En resumen “ser asertivo significa confiar en uno mismo y en sus capacidades”. Las técnicas expuestas son sencillas, pero requieren de práctica, vale la pena el intento. Whenever you hear yourself or someone else say 'should', extend your anti-manipulative antennae up as far as possible and listen carefully. In all likelihood, some message that says, "You are not your own judge." will follow."

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They also point out that we also have the right to choose to not be assertive if we don’t want to be – but we also have to accept the consequences of not choosing to be assertive. You have the right to judge your own behaviour, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself. Being assertive can help remind us that we are the only ones who can judge our actions and help us dismiss any misconceptions. By doing so, we can better deal with the objections of others and return any item we want.I guess you just can’t be bothered with your mother anymore,’ she might say. It is your job to then clarify your own feelings: ‘I do love and care about you, but I also am not coming to Christmas this year.’ People may also be hindered by the views and opinions of others when making their own decisions. For example, when a sales clerk encounters a customer who wants to return their shoes, she might ask, "Why don't you like these shoes?" This question implies that she doesn't understand how someone could dislike the shoes. In other words, the sales clerk is judging the customer's behavior. If the customer lets the sales clerk judge their actions, they will feel obliged to come up with a reason why they don't like the shoes. If the reason is not justifiable, they are likely to give in and eventually reconsider returning the shoes. Understand why you have a hard time saying no. Is it because you don't want the person to stop talking to you? Is it because you don't want it to look like you don't care about the person? Being aware of what makes it so hard for you to turn a person down can make it easier for you to be more rational about the situation. [5] X Research source Right 9 from the bill of assertive rights is the right to say, ‘I don’t understand’. Much like right 6 (the right to say I don’t know’), we have the right to speak up to say that there is something that we don’t understand. If we don’t, we then have to go along with others as we have to believe they are right. If you're using the "broken record" method and the other person simply won't budge, then you can also try to offer a “workable compromise.” This occurs when we discuss feasible solutions with the other party that we deem acceptable. For example, when you need to return an item, you may propose that you will come to the store next time if you need to buy something else. Here, "compromise" does not mean that we abandon our views. The premise of the compromise is that we feel comfortable with the proposed solution.