Joined in 2023 
82 
63 About this deal
These days, OW’s doing her post doc at a top university on the OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY. Because nothing says, “I love you” like moving 3,000 miles away to put career before “true love.” It also gives her plenty of time and space to dazzle her way to the next step of her “career” and seduce more bylines, chapters, and who knows what out of the next old man, flattered by the attentions of a beautiful young woman…
Actually this was a red flag when we were dating. He said his ex had had genital warts, but never informed me before we started seeing each other. That was a clue that he was a jerk, one I ignored. In my darkest moment, I sat on my bed with a gun in my mouth because I just wanted the pain the stop. The only thing that stopped me was my son, he would have found me. So I sat there and tried to come up with ways I could kill myself that would be easier on him. I thought of driving the car somewhere and shooting myself in the car but a woman who owned a local restaurant by us actually did that and they didn’t find her for a month in the summertime in Las Vegas and it was horrifying when they did. (Her family was looking for her, they just couldn’t find her.) So I thought, I need them to find me and I want him to be able to have my car. So I thought of a spot where I could park the car, get out, call 911 and tell them where to find me, and then shoot myself. He has handled the affair situation in the worst possible way – he has lied to me about everything until he gets caught, then admits the absolute minimum amount of information he can get away with. He has been in individual therapy for 18 months and we have been in couples therapy for 15 months, so he knows full well that it is his responsibility to set the truth on the table and that there can be no trust between us or healing of our relationship until he does. But he just…can’t.I don’t think that lightens the tragedy, I think people need to know how bad it is and how bad it can get. The actual reality of abusing one’s partner this way instead of just giggling about taboo sex. I thank you for sharing your story, people need to know how bad it is.
As to the suicide mentioned: speaking as someone with a family member who died in the same manner as mentioned, no, I don’t think that the language needs to necessarily be gentled up (despite the fact that I gentled up the description here in my own post, which was my choice because it still hurts to talk about). I would, however, include a content warning at the beginning of the article–even just a wee little brief one. It’s not required, of course, just appreciated. Hell no! That woman is trash and so is the mechanic and not someone you should ever allow in your life. They cannot stand the concept that things going wrong in their lives are because of thier actions. You must share the blame. But if you listen carefully, they are really speaking to a mirror.Infidelity is the theft of your reality. You can’t cheat on someone without gaslighting them. It’s an insidious, intimate form of abuse. One that drove S to blow his brains out. L denied S’s reality. This man who was so devoted to her, she would not treat ethically. What most don’t ever talk about is that cheating very often goes beyond ‘just’ sexual/emotional betrayal; the cheater becomes an abuser far beyond that. As you said, the withdrawal of sex and affection, the gaslighting, the baiting arguments as an excuse to go to AP, the extreme devaluation, etc. And this parasitic shit too; I’m always amazed at how people think that they are special to a cheater, even knowing what the cheater has done. Nobody is really a “friend” of a cheater. People are of use to them, and that is all. OFNF, what makes you think for a second that this cheater values you? She didn’t value the man who swore to love her for all time. She found him useful. Now that he is dead, he is even more useful, because she can keep all his stuff and tell lies about him that he isn’t here to confront. The reason you didn’t tell the chump about her is because you really know this is true. She would have tossed you aside, and you would have become Enemy #1 the moment you stopped supporting her and keeping her secrets. So no, they aren’t good people who do bad things. They are bad people. And only rarely are they capable of of becoming better. Mostly, in my view, they can’t or won’t face what they did, they enjoy it too much, and refuse to change. Hence the fabulous 100% Hide of Nauga reconciliation non-efforts. (nice chair, btw.) He said she got tested for STDs every six months. He did not appear to think that was odd, that it could mean she had many sexual partners. He also failed to see why this didn’t sway me from insisting that he get tested. “Don’t worry” was his motto.
He grew up in a broken household where XFIL was a serial cheater and frequently gone, and XMIL was a basket case and frequently abusive (both physically and emotionally). XH often told me when we were dating that I was a “dream come true”– a beautiful girl from a stable family – everything he always wanted. Who knew he was lying? I certainly didn’t. ooh. Good one. But my wasband goes to ‘group.’ (SLAA) Where they tell each other, “you’re not a bad person, you just did bad things.” I called bullshit… I said, “where’s the dividing line between being a person who does bad things, and a bad person? Do you have to be Pol Pot? Betrayal –A-OK, Murder or robbery , not? what’s the dividing line? Is abuse OK, and rape not OK –having been both raped and abused, I preferred rape. At least you know where you stand.” He was astonished. I pointed out that it was not too-terribly deep thinking that got me there. Just you know, actual thinking, as opposed to pretend-type thinking. In fact funny thing is when fw talked to our preacher after Dday, he said he hoped to help whore with her youngest son. Preacher told fw that it wouldn’t work because at least half, and likely more of what make our son so successful would be out of the picture. Thank you, CL – once again you have succinctly stated what I’ve been struggling to put into words. When my STBX was stumbling around reconciliation, I kept saying to him, “You can’t just say you’re sorry like I’m someone you bumped into on a bus,” and, “I need to see remorse — regret and remorse are two different things.” All I got was the classic, “Well, I said I was sorry. I don’t know what more you want from me.”
You have knowledge S never had — he was devoted and UNKNOWING. You KNOW what kind of person L is, and you chose to be devoted to her. To not tell her secrets. To maintain that friendship. You just got a very brutal example of how L treats her devotees. And you’re asking me if you should continue? WTF? When L told me about the affair I did my best to be supportive, but I saw all the signs of abuse and trauma S was experiencing. She had stopped having sex with him and started getting caught in lies about her naughty communication with other guys. L was gaslighting S to the point of him acting irrational and in her eyes “controlling” (insert eye roll). She became so spiteful and hateful of him and I begged her to leave him. This is exactly what I wanted my ex to do, so you can see why it pisses me off that I guess you think it is “wrong” of this woman to have insisted on her being fired. And that it was wrong when he actually did it. Like I said earlier, it’s not like he could have just gone and found another job himself. In this case, he could have given her more time to find something, or whatever (like I, in my chumpdom was convinced to wait for a while for her to look for another job because “poor her”). Oh he’s definitely projecting. He wants everyone to think that I’m the bad person so he can get away with it looking like he just has another “crazy” ex.
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